Working through things...
Following up on my last post about my mother-in-law passing away suddenly from a massive stroke. I was just starting to emotionally regroup from that when a co-worker with whom I had become close, was fired suddenly the following week; the combination of these two losses in close proximity just sent me reeling and devastated. This particular co-worker was really the light and energy of our section, so it's left quite a void since she's been gone. It's been really hard to deal with being at work without her because I got so used to us chatting (read: nerding out) about plants, trading plants, her checking on me when I was having a bad day, and me getting a good education on little known native perennials. So the last week's been very up and down emotionally, and then I feel like I hit rock bottom on Saturday, inconveniently when I was hanging out with my mom and taking her to lunch for her birthday. I just felt so distracted and a bit "absent."
By Saturday evening I came to realize that I had nothing within myself to pull myself back up; I had put too much of my happiness on things that can be easily taken away or can easily disappear or go south. I was shaken to my core. So I decided to go back to church and start reading my Bible again. And before you worry, no, this isn't me returning to evangelical "Christianity." I found a solid progressive Presbyterian church not far from me, sometime last year. They are tuned in to social justice issues and aren't afraid to speak out in defense of groups being marginalized in our current political climate. The only reason I had stopped going was mostly because of laziness...at the time, I was feeling like weekends were already too short and I felt I needed as much time to chill at home and recuperate from the work week. I'm so glad I went back, though, because it completely transformed my mood, but more than that, the sermon along with the hymns we sung, gave my heart and soul a much needed infusion of hope and optimism that even though things are hard right now, it's not wasted or haphazard suffering: the Lord is using these hard circumstances for my own good, to rid my heart of idols and prideful self-reliance, to weed out unhealthy inclinations, and to make room in my heart for things of greater significance. And it hurts...not going to lie or sugar coat it. But I truly believe I will be so much better at the end of this whole ordeal.
By Saturday evening I came to realize that I had nothing within myself to pull myself back up; I had put too much of my happiness on things that can be easily taken away or can easily disappear or go south. I was shaken to my core. So I decided to go back to church and start reading my Bible again. And before you worry, no, this isn't me returning to evangelical "Christianity." I found a solid progressive Presbyterian church not far from me, sometime last year. They are tuned in to social justice issues and aren't afraid to speak out in defense of groups being marginalized in our current political climate. The only reason I had stopped going was mostly because of laziness...at the time, I was feeling like weekends were already too short and I felt I needed as much time to chill at home and recuperate from the work week. I'm so glad I went back, though, because it completely transformed my mood, but more than that, the sermon along with the hymns we sung, gave my heart and soul a much needed infusion of hope and optimism that even though things are hard right now, it's not wasted or haphazard suffering: the Lord is using these hard circumstances for my own good, to rid my heart of idols and prideful self-reliance, to weed out unhealthy inclinations, and to make room in my heart for things of greater significance. And it hurts...not going to lie or sugar coat it. But I truly believe I will be so much better at the end of this whole ordeal.